It’s Buy Nothing Day, which this year feels farther away and just plain sadder than ever. The day after Thanksgiving—when all we want to hear is save your health, save your house, save your leftovers—and all we get is a gaggle of Kohls employees, sleepy from opening for a line of three people at 4 a.m., half-assed mouthing spend spend spend.

Oh Christ, pop in and I’ll fix us all a giant fruit salad with berries we picked and apples we plucked.

And you can turn us around, from the mall towards the water in a fleet of white hot air balloons.