I put two limes in a wire basket above my refridgerat0r last week. A few days later I noticed a few fruit flies hovering around the limes, so I threw them away.

Sure, I know how to reproduce, but not like these guys. The day after I threw the limes out my kitchen was swimming in fruit flies. They were centered around the sink, so I acted fast. I put a shallow skin of balsamic vinegar in a little cup, covered it with saran wrap and poked holes with a push pin on top. Left the house for a few hours and returned to find dozens of fruit flies dead in the vinegar without a trace of a living fly anywhere.

Then I opened the blinds and saw a fresh horde–hundreds of tiny bugs on the glass near the rosemary in my window box. And that’s when I lost it, started smacking the glass blindly with an old newspaper, making countless blots. And this morning, they were back, the defiant little gits.

But I’m ready. I’ve got fly paper, fresh vinegar cups, a stack of old New York Times, and a big bottle of Windex. And since our TV doesn’t get basic cable anymore I don’t have any distractions.